Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
