i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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