There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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