I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
