i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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