What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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