That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
