I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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