is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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