i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
