i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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