We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
