I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
