what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
