When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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