she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
