You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He passed out mid-signature
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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