I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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