dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
