She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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