Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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