the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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