I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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