I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
