I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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