Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
