thus making me awesome and them whores
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
