she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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