Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
