I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
