Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
