Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
