my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
