cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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