omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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