I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
