I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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