i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
