Can Purell be used as lube?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
