did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
