Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
