She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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