Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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