yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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