Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
