I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize