You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
