Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
