Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
be right there i have to get my cape
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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