Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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