my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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