I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
