Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
