Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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