We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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