Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
